Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Here I am again, suddenly... out of the blue.

Remember me??

Last time I checked in, I was mum of 3.... now I am mum of 4 gorgeous girls.

I have finished traveling the globe (at least for now) and am back in my beloved Australia, where the sky is vast and forever and where the sun shines more days a year than I can count.

I live in a place where kids are safe and can run and play freely.
Where people are friendly and caring.
I live in a place where I can find a steiner community, a vipassana community, a macrobiotic community, organic food and plenty of fresh air.

I live in a place where spring is spring, summer is summer, autumn is autumn and winter is winter.

I am home and I am so very happy to be here....

Friday, September 24, 2010

forgetting how to breathe

I am writing from experience when I share with you dear reader the difference between a woman who returns to herself on a regular basis and a woman who does not.

The first is a woman I have lost and as I sit here putting these words together the best way I can, I struggle to remember what that first woman looks like or feels like. The second woman however, I can talk about easily as this is who I am in this very moment.

This woman who does not return to herself is the one who is constantly running in one direction or another, internally and externally. She is busy all day long with the many tasks each new day brings, barely having enough time to sit and sip on a cup of tea whilst it still steams from the top.

Her face is fixed, focused if you like, her jaw is tight and her eyes tired. She rarely smiles from her heart anymore.

Her hair, if she has any left, falls out of its clip on a regular basis each time revealing the unattended ends. She whips it back up in a flash never bothering to even glance in the mirror when she is done.

Her clothes no longer represent who she is, rather they are practical and most of the time comfortable. Sometimes she stares in the wardrobe with despair as her eyes desperately search for something she likes. Not one item can she find. “What would I like to have hanging in here she asks herself?”, she doesn’t even know anymore.

Her mind is constantly filled with an uneasiness that she can never explain. All she knows is that life is unsatisfactory and passing fast. She fears she may die feeling this way, unsatisfied with life and all its contents.

Every time she catches a glimpse of something inside that inspires her to turn in a different direction and move towards her becoming, she is chased back the other way again.

She slowly but surely loses the ability to communicate. She nods and smiles an empty smile when she needs to but ever so quickly the focused strain returns to her face and her lips seal tightly together once more.

She even loses the ability to communicate with herself. She tries in vain to hear what her body is trying so desperately to tell her but the sounds are muffled and she can no longer make any sense of what she hears.

Her breath no longer fills her with life, it merely prolongs her death and her heart beats to a rhythm she can no longer dance to, leaving the task of loving the other an impossible one.

She doesn’t know where to turn next so she keeps on running in one direction or another keeping far too busy to reflect on such sad things.

She cries inside. She can’t tell you why … she doesn’t really know.

She moves through her days in a mechanical way, she is becoming a machine, not a woman.

Who is she now, this woman who walks through life like a corpse?
Void of feeling, empty and numb.

She needs to return to herself, somewhere in her heart she knows this all too well but she doesn’t know how anymore.

She is lost in this strange place and fears she will never find her way back.

She needs to breathe, she has forgotten how....
Too long attached to the fake placenta.... she needs to breathe on her own again.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Routine on the run!

My latest epiphany happened when I was in the midst of desperately trying to create some kind of routine for my very earth bound virgo child, whilst packing my back pack in preparation to move onto the next place.

Is is just me or this a super weird image?

It really got me thinking and recognising just how much time and energy I put into trying to maintain some kind of rhythm and routine so that my little one can move through her days with more ease. I know this is an absolutely normal practice for the majority of mums that work with the idea that kids function better with some kind of routine and rhythm (I am obviously one of these) but to me it just seems a little contrary to our lifestyle somehow.

Here we are roaming around the globe with very few possessions (we have plenty at home in boxes!) trying to immerse ourselves into different cultures, thinking how wonderful this is for our little lotus flower and all the time I am subconsciously maintaining her security by keeping the rhythm that she loves and works best with.

I am talking about the little things like; the stories we read together in bed when we wake up in the morning or brushing our teeth after breakfast or washing our hands before we eat and of course the songs we sing as we lay in bed together at night before we go to sleep.

These simple things, these re-occurring moments mean so much to my little virgo girl.

What would it do to her if I totally let go of these small things that give each new day some similarity to the last and that provide her with the comfort of knowing at times what comes next?

Likewise, what would it be like for her to always be able to sit in her chair at the table and to always eat the same kind of food or to sleep in the same bed.... and always wake up in the same bed?

She has us... her mama and papa and we are always with her when she drifts off to sleep at night and always there when she opens her eyes in the morning.... but is that enough?

My virgo lotus is an amazing 2 year old that can remember all the words to nearly every nursery rhyme I have taught her, that can count to 10 in two languages and say hello in many. She is gentle, loving and toilet trained and as independent as we will allow her to be.

But is she blossoming as fully and totally as a child that has a permanent address?

I am not so sure anymore.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Bringing me to my knees

Delhi Belly, it is almost like a tax you have to pay when you visit India... Almost everyone gets it at least once!
It hits you like a high speed rocket right in your solar plexus and brings you to your knees... literally!

Running between the bed and the loo is not much fun and getting so weak so quickly is terrifying!
Losing kilos as quick as a child loses interest in some plastic crappy toy brings both joy and horror all at the same time and the deep sensation of missing home (wherever that may be) is at times overwhelming!

Oh to be somewhere clean!! Somewhere familiar and safe and to be surrounded by all my stuff!!!

So, as awful and painful as it is, it seems that getting a dose of Delhi Belly proves to be a great opportunity for some deep introspection.

I start to really reflect on my "gypsy heart" and my need to move around the globe over and over again.
I start to ask myself what it is that I am REALLY looking for and if I think I will ever find it!

Who am I anyway?
Am I some ordinary house frau that is trying desperately to escape the hum drum life?
Or am I a sexy 40 something year old that loves the change that travel brings and the all the learning that comes with it?

Hmmm you know what, at this very moment in time I can't honestly answer that question!

I guess in the end this is the key right?
Hey wait, I think I have just had an epiphany!!!

Ok, so first I need to discover who I really am and then and only then will I be able to find THE place where I will feel at home. The thing is, does all this moving and traveling and learning and exploring open doorways to my inner side that would otherwise not be revealed?
Or do I need to stay in one spot and explore what surfaces in such a situation??

Ok answers please!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

So here I am…. after 9 months, 5 countries and too many plane rides to count, I am sitting here, in this little house over looking the Himalayas in Northern India, with a heart full of gratitude and a head full of stories.

My little one is sleeping, the monsoon rain is falling heavily outside as it does every afternoon now and finally, I can once again after what seems like an eternity
return to my blog.

Returning to this space to write after so very long is kind of the same as when I run into an old friend I haven’t seen for ages and I have just so much to share and hear that I just don’t know where to start. I end up either rambling on in what sounds like a jumbled mess, with arms and facial expressions flying around everywhere or at times when it is all just too much to share in a supermarket isle, I simply say “hey yeah, I am fine!” And then of course walk off feeling totally frustrated!

Anybody out there know what I mean?

That age old question of where to begin chants over and over in my mind and the answer I get is always the same… at the beginning… But do you know what, I am not so sure that that is how we women communicate best….

Don’t we kind of get together and ok we might start at one point but don’t we move in circles and waves and spirals rather than straight lines that go from beginning to end?

Don’t we dance to and fro, mixing this with that, relating one to the other?
Sounds like a style of communication that would be tremendously difficult to follow right? My hubby surely thinks so!!

But we do follow don’t we?

We not only follow, we relate to what the other is sharing and somehow even though we may be worlds apart on many levels, we get it… we feel it…we share it.

I am finding that there is something so very special about women getting together.. Yes of course I have felt this on many occasions with familiar friends but now, moving around the globe with my little one, I feel as though I am touching on something even more special.

I am meeting women from different places, with different cultures, stories backgrounds, lifestyles, likes and dislikes and yet we gravitate towards each other with the force of a power unknown.

Even as I endevour to support my very independent almost 2 year old as she navigates the holes in the road, the stinging nettles and the massive amounts of cow dung on the way to the local eating place, a silent knowing look and encouraging smile from the passing woman who is also playing a similar game as me with her toddler, seems to fill a space in me that at times can feel very empty.

I hope you out there can manage to navigate yourself through the above ramblings of my thoughts of words and I hope now that I am BACK, we can continue to share our "ramblings" on a more regular basis!!

For now though, I have come to that place at the supermarkert isle, when I need to go "Ok now it is all to much!" I am going to allow myself to silently stare out the window at the beauty of this place that surrounds me and just do nothing until my little Lotus flower wakes :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Having babies after 40... yes or no?

So, here I am 41 (42 this year) and still thinking of having another baby, am I crazy?

I can't quite work it out, I feel the same inside as I have always felt.
Of course I have learnt things and experienced things and changed my mind about this that or the other but on the whole, I feel the same as I did when I had my first baby almost 20 years ago!

The majority of time, I skip along through my days without realising how old I am... Okay so I don't feel physically feel like a 20 year old and I don't act like a 20 year old either ( I don't think) and ok, I can admit I definitely don't look like a 20 year old... I am simply me and have always been me and so when I am confronted with comments like "you are too old to be having babies" funnily enough, I am initially really suprised.

I remember when I was in my 20's thinking that people in their 40's were SOOOOO old but now I am here in the 40's, well things look a little different!

I would love to give my little 19 month old a sibling around her own age and at times I don't think about any of the negative stuff but then my mind starts throwing things at me like "shouldn't you be concerned about looking like a pregnant grandmother?" or "Aren't you worried about not fitting in when you go to playgroup with your little one?" or "how will you feel if your kids are ashamed of having an OLD mum?"

Just a few years ago when I got pregnant with my youngest daughter I didn't think twice, but now it feels like I am supposed to have all these concerns.

Have I crossed some invisible line and so now fall into the category where being spontaneous, carefree and going with what feels right is not allowed???

There are women all over the world having babies at my age and older.... aren't there???

Thoughts anyone???
And, if you are out there mums over 40 let me know!!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Back again

So where am I now??
Well I am sitting here in a not very nice place in a not very nice town in good old Mother England.

My little one is asleep... finally, my hubby is at work and I am left here in silence (if you don't count the noise from the busy road outside) to contemplate my thoughts...

Here is where they are at the moment...
I am in a little shock right now, just yesterday I was on top of the world. We had found our little piece of paradise or so we thought and were all set to move in on the weekend coming.

I was also pregnant again and happy to be so! And I tell you at 41 this is quite something!!!

Today, there are problems with the house and moving in AND when I went to pee this morning, there was that sight that all pregnant women (especially my age) dread to see.... The spot!

Well the spot has turned into a flow...
AND the real estate agent is not bending for us and so I have all but given up hope of getting out of this not very nice house in a not very nice town this weekend!

I have not however, given up hope that this "flow" stops and that I am still pregnant at the end of this day...
Will keep you posted on that one!

But how amazing, one minute all looks rosy and wonderful and it seems like all is going your way... You walk around with your head high and shoulders back and you feel like you are just glowing. Then suddenly almost from one minute to the next, you are grovelling on the floor, howling like a wolf at the full moon and wondering what you could have possibly done to deserve all this!