Here I am sitting on my couch...My little one is having a very late arvo nap (4pm) and my thoughts have turned towards all the yesterdays that have passed.
Do you remember those days when we seemed to be soooo much younger, more free and more alive???
Was it that way or am I just creating a past of fun and passion that didn't actually exist?
I don't know... I was just strolling along the street with my little one and started feeling really nostalgic...or maybe I just realised how terribly stuck and controlled I feel.
I just don't feel like I have any fun anymore....I almost feel dead inside, moving through each day just managing the basics, isn't that sad??

My little one is my brightness, my light and joy....she makes me smile and giggle and she keeps my heart open, but she reminds me that there are gaps and spaces in my life.
She reminds me that I am not bringing creativity into my day to day living.
She reminds me that I am not pushing myself in any direction... that I don't even work up a sweat when we go for a walk.

I am feeling like I want to hear my feet pound down on the road and feel the wind rush into my face as I run as far and fast as I can everyday.
I am feeling like I want to splash red and purple and orange on my walls and draw rainbows and the curves of women's bodies.
I want to dance until I am totally out of breath.
Laugh until my belly aches.
Eat delicious food around the table for hours.
Walk under the full moon light.
Watch the sun set.
Cry over a good movie.
Make beautiful toys using luscious coloured wool and other sensuous fabrics.
Plant herbs and other edibles for me and my family to enjoy.
Tune into nature.
Meditate...pray....chant....sing.

How do I get to do these things???
Where do I begin???
Why have I stopped living life???
What am I afraid of??

So the count down begins...I now have officially two weeks to pack my life into boxes and to say my good byes.

Yes, we are on the move again. This is not such a huge thing as we both like to roam this planet and are now pretty good at the whole moving thing, but this is the first time we will be doing it with the little one so I am experiencing a whole bunch of new feelings and sensations this time round..... I just can't name them because I have moved into my NUMB zone!!

This is the space I fall into when it all gets too much!
I switch off, feel nothing and don't do much....With such a short time left until we leave and with still so much to do, I am there, I am NUMB.

There is a lot happening in my world right now and there are choices to be made but when I am in this numb space, decision making is pretty difficult to say the least.

The biggest choice we have to make is where we are going to live...
City??
Country??
UK??
Germany??
Asia??

Too many choices maybe???
Normally my hubby and I are both pretty in tune and when things present themselves to us, we generally go with what feels right but this time, we are both not feeling much!
We have our tickets out of OZ and we are holidaying for the first few weeks, but then.....

Maybe we are supposed to experience this floating space...this stillness.
Maybe we are supposed to develop more trust.
Maybe we are supposed to stop trying to control, to figure out and to know.

Whatever the lesson is, the boxes are still sitting empty in the spare room...
The clothes still need to be sorted, winter clothes need to be bought, cleaning needs to be done...

Two weeks to go!!!!

I will keep you posted :)

So it is Thursday again....

My little one is suffering so badly with her teeth.
She is cutting her back molars and having a very tough time of it.
She has gone from being a very placid and chilled out bub, to a very irritable, almost angry, whiny and sleepless child!

I get no more than an hour or so sleep at a time during the night.

She is constantly on the boob, and when I try and roll my aching body over she goes mad until I roll back and offer the boob again.

When I finally feel like she is settled, and I can roll onto my back and drift into sleep, my hubby starts snoring (every time) and keeps me awake.

BUT I am thankful anyway because this is a very real opportunity to develop my compassion and patience.

I am thankful anyway because I am seemingly strong enough to cope with very little sleep.

I am thankful anyway because during those long dark hours when I am awake, I can appreciate the stillness and the silence of the night, which I just love.

And I am thankful that my hubby is home for a change, even though he snores!

I remember as a child, sitting on the couch inside the house on a beautiful sunny day....I remember being so happy, drawing with so many colours and feeling totally content in my little dream world. Then my mum comes in takes away my precious drawings and demands that I go outside to play...."a sunny day is not to be wasted doing silly drawings" she said!

Somehow this little scene pops into my mind whenever I make a move to do something "creative".

I always seem to have other more important things to do and funnily enough I have surrounded myself with loved one's that also do not value the "crafty" side of life (or is that just my warped perception??).

There is a really deep hole in my being and I know that it is the perfect space for my creative light to shine and fill but to be totally honest, I just do not know where to begin.

I have spent so many years convincing myself that I am totally incapable of doing anything creative with my hands, that to now convince myself otherwise is very challenging.... daunting actually.
I have created this super strong inner critic, this anti-creativity monster and I am not sure if I have the energy to defeat this beast within.

I look at other blogs which are filled with fabulously beautiful creations and I experience envy, sadness and hopelessness....
I do keep these blogs close at hand with the idea of using the helpful hints offered, but even as I am pressing the "add link" button, I can hear the hideous laugh of the beast within and smell his disgusting breath as he whispers....."you will never manage anything like that".

So, I know I need to slay this beast.... obviously no white knight is going to ride along on his stallion and do it for me.
The question is how?????

Any suggestions?

I am guessing that some if not all of you have read or at least heard of Clarrisa Pinkola Estes' book titled "women who run with the wolves"....The piece in there where she is talking about that really hearty, deep belly laugh that women do when they are together, has stayed in my mind ever since I read it many years ago.

Do you know that kind of laugh???

The one that bubbles to the surface when you and a friend or friends are just really relaxed, when you have let go of many of the masks we use in our day to day lives and when you are feeling very comfortable and safe with who you are with?

Can you remember the deep and glorious sounds that come with the belly laugh? The ones that come from way down in the belly? The ones where you often find yourself holding onto your belly, as if you are laughing right along with it?

Do you know the feeling of tears streaming down the face....the face aching like it is about to fall off and most of all this really pleasant sensation running through your veins right along with every drop of your blood?

Do you love the feeling of connectedness, of a knowing...a sameness, a feeling of pure joy...a truly delicious and satisfying experience every time?

The belly laugh....I need it in my life every now and then....do you?

At the moment, my life is almost entirely centered around my little one who is 14 months old and I am not complaining one bit!
Amazingly enough though, I am also doing a PhD (doctorate) in philosophy which I have been stop-starting for over a year now, due to pregnancy, birth, miscarriage, life...etc.
Part of the PhD process now involves this crossing of milestones, basically this means that at three points during your research, you basically have to prove that what your doing is worthy of the university's support and that you are bringing something new into the academic world.
Anyway, out of the blue a few weeks ago my supervisor rings me up to suggest that I do my confirmation (first milestone) before I go "roaming" again and also out of the blue, I agree!

So here I am, hubby working away, older daughter studying for her exams at uni, me running around like a headless chook just managing the basics (food, house, sleep-sometimes) and now I have foolishly committed to present a document to a panel of philosophers in under three weeks....yeah right!

The day looms closer, the writing gets done-just.

Hubby comes home...routine goes out the window, time escapes, D Day arrives!

So I take the long drive down to the city...it is stinking hot and I am nervous and unprepared.
I leave my family on the grass and head on up....feeling like a child about to see the principle...I need the loo badly!

Ok, I am sitting there (on the loo) and I start to do some Anapana (breathing meditation)...slowly I start to relax.
I move myself out side the room and sit myself down in the big old fashioned arm chairs that I guess are meant to make you fell at home??!!!!

Shaking...sweating....needing the loo again and feeling like vomiting....

Everything I have worked for could all be thrown away in the next 30 mins if I don't get this right......

Suddenly, I had this huge realisation....
Hang on, I am 41 years old.
I have given birth to three children, traveled the world and experienced so many things....what am I worried about???
So what if they don't like my work,
So what if I don't continue on with this....
when push comes to shove, what does it all matter any way????

By this stage, I saunter into the room totally at ease.

It was then, that I realised that my paper, which talks about things like "patriarchy" and "female subordination" , was about to be presented to a room full of MEN!!
I couldn't believe it, the only two women in the room besides myself were my supervisors.
For about thirty seconds I felt like running out of the room as fast as my little legs could carry me, but then I thought
Yes, this is my point exactly....where are the women????
This gave me such rush of determination that I read my paper, I answered all their philosophical questions and I walked out of there with my head held high and a big fat CONGRATULATIONS from all of them to boot!!!

Not bad...Not bad at all!!!

A Thought
I can do this....my PhD confirmation.

A Sound
The first rain of the wet season....Ahhh so soothing!

A Taste
His lips after a long time apart

An Image
Myself in bathers for the first time in over a year!!!

Another Thought
Yes, I am getting older

A Scent
The smell of the first rain on the forest that is my garden

A word
Home....where is it for me?

A Touch
Little fingers stroking my new straight hair!

A Gift for Me
Taking a long shower.....ALONE!