Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Heartache in Bali

Oh the joys of the modern “patchwork” family!!
Yes I am a member of a group of people who have come together via marriage and who call themselves a family.
In our group, we have his kids, my kids and our child and over the last ten years, we have all, at some time or another, struggled with this mis-matching of characters and personalities.
Now here we are in Bali with three kids over 18 and our little one who is just 15 months and it is such a challenge!
My girls have never really accepted my hubby and this has caused me such heartache over the years. I have always tried to do the balancing act between them, like a referee in a boxing match, which is just so very tiring, not to mention stressful.
Now that they are older I was hoping that this holiday in Bali would pull us together as a family and allow for old wounds and misunderstandings to be healed.
But, now that we only have a few days left, I can see that this is probably never going to happen and the only thing that this holiday has achieved is tearing open those old wounds and to create new ones.
There have been times during this trip where I have been so very close to taking off in the middle of the night with my little one and escaping to a place where no-one would ever find me…
A place where I wouldn’t have to chose one person over the other…
A place where I could be who I am without being accused of leaving this one out or not loving that one enough or loving the other too much.
How many tears have I shed over the years?
I can tell you that I have cried more than one river…
I am tired of it all.
I am tired of my girls trying to make me feel guilty for the choices I have made and for marrying the man I love.
I am tired of my hubby feeling so very uncomfortable all the time that he ends up walking around like a time bomb waiting to go off.
I am tired of the explosions.
I am tired of the glares that are aimed at me from across the room, the cutting words, the threats and the accusations.
I am tired of walking on egg shells, of holding my breath, of crying when no-one is looking.
Now my girls are going back to their father, back to their life, back to university, to their friends and their ways and I am off to Germany with my hubby and our little one.
I will cry more rivers when I say goodbye….
I will probably cry oceans from now until the day I die because I am a member of a modern “patchwork” family and because the man I love so much is never going to be accepted by the daughters I adore.

Restricting the little one

Whilst Bali is stunningly beautiful, with its mountains, rice paddies, palm trees and majestic views, it is proving to be very tough for my little one of 15 months.
In our other life where we had a huge home, she was free to roam as she saw fit from room to room, from person to person… all the while being safe and at ease and without restriction… like a real continuum child, she was happy, placid and relaxed in her environment and within her self.
Here in Bali where the pathways are cracked and uneven (upon which she fell and smacked her head so hard that she immediately had an egg on her head the size of a small melon and the colour of deep purple) and that have huge uncovered man-holes, where there are motor bikes and cars whizzing around seemingly without road rules and with unfenced swimming pools (something so foreign to Australians) in every place we stay….
For the first time in her life, my little one is finding her-self very restricted and worse than that, it is her mama that is doing the restricting.
She is so very independent and so very insistent to walk on her own, which is wonderful when we are somewhere that is safe but here it is proving to be somewhat of a nightmare!
She is having to hold our hands which she generally loves but only when it is her choice.
She is having to be carried at times when she just doesn’t want to be.
She is being steered away from danger and I mean REAL danger a lot of the time and as a result, she is just not happy!
She is screaming and throwing tantrums like never before and she is biting my nipples during feeding with such ferocity and intent that I am actually frightened to feed her.
It was only this morning that I put two and two together and realised that the she is biting me because she is angry with me for restricting her movements so much.
She is frustrated so deeply and so am I.
It is so easy to follow the continuum way when your child is in a known, safe and familiar environment.
I can see all too clearly what happens to the child that is restricted….so much frustration and despair.
I only have a few days left here so I am not too worried about Bali but I am on my way to a new life in Berlin…a major city.
How will I allow the freedom there?
Where will my little one find the spaces and gaps she needs for exploration of her inner self?

Being in Bali

Just a little note to let my followers know that I have not dropped off the face of the planet, I am merely sunning myself in Bali with very limited internet access.
I will soon be in my new home in Germany and will delight you ( I hope) with my adventure stories.
I am missing my blogging and my blogging sisters so much!
I have so many posts going around in my head....
Wishing you all a safe and fabulously happy festive season.