Friday, January 29, 2010

ABC's of Me

Thanks to Mon over at Holistic Mama for the idea!

A - Age: 41 years and 7 months
B - Book: Wild child, Women Who Run With the Wolves
C - Chore (dislike): mopping floor
D - Drink: Tea and as much as I can get, chai-even better!
E - Eat: pasta, chocolate
F - Flower: Any!!
G - Gem: Moonstone
H - Height: 5'4" (164cm)
I - Instruments: I sing quite well, or so I am told!
J - Joy: spooning my little one
K - Kid(s): 3 gorgeous girls, 17 months, 18 years and almost 20 years (yikes)
L - Living: currently in Berlin (not sure how long for)
M - Music: Norah jones, India Aria (many female artists)
N - Noise: as much silence as I can get (yep, I am with you on this one)...but I love Buddhist chanting too.
O - Ornaments: Photos mainly and a few different sculptures I have collected on the way
P - Pet Peeve: When my hubby's snoring wakes up my little one just when I have managed to unplug her and roll onto my back!
Q - Quote: "An unexamined life is a life not worth living"
R - Right or left handed: Right although eat with left
S - Sibling(s): 5 Older sisters
T - Time you wake up: whenever the little one does, at the moment around 7.30am
U - Underwear: nothing fancy unfortunately
V - Vegetable:Kale
W - Word: equanimity
X - X-rays: none
Z - Zzzz: Yes I need some more of those!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

An image of you

As I sat to meditate last night, an image came into my mind.
It was the image of a perfect little face...
Framed by a mass of brown curls and wearing THAT smile.

It is the same smile that shines in every photo and in every memory I have of you.

You were wearing that very thin, soft pink dress that we both loved and your "horse riding" boots...(remember them?).

This is the image I often get when I think of you...

You were so very happy, confident and so full of love.

I miss that little girl...sometimes I cry so hard when I think of how far away she is from me now.

She is angry now...

Angry at me, angry at life or so it seems.

I wish I could turn back the clock and hold that little girl in her favorite pink dress one more time.

But all I can do is cherish those images and memories I have of you...

And wait....
I will wait for you.
I will wait until you are ready to open up to me again.
I will be here when the anger subsides and you come looking for me...

I will always be here...

I am your mum and thats what mums do.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Meditation and Me

Well I am thrilled to say that I am finally back on track with my meditation practice after what seems like months.
Since my little one was born I have tended to use any small moments that I have to myself to either nap or just zone out in silence, with the urge to meditate all but gone.

I have always been one of those meditators that meditates regularly because I know out of experience that it is so good for me...
I was always a little envious of those meditators like my hubby, who actually love to meditate.

But the other day, when I was pondering on writing a post on meditation, I realised that I have changed...I am now, after 10 solid years of meditation, one of those meditators that loves meditating!

With this new found love, I have miraculously now managed to set up a nightly routine that actually creates a space for me to sit and meditate.

Where up until recently I would be desperate to crawl into bed and be oh so grateful when I finally got there, I am now just as eager to hit the cushion and am just as grateful to be able to close my eyes and clean my mind.

Already I can feel the difference...

This mind of mine which had become dull and tired has sprung back to life, pouring juice into each and every activity I undertake.
...Infusing all my dealings with my little one and my hubby with patience and love,
...Boosting my confidence in dealing with the world I am currently living in,
and restoring the awareness of my mind so that I can live in each moment with the understanding that "all things change".

This knowledge of "change" is so very important as it reminds me that nothing lasts forever....that crying, that nipple twisting, that biting, that mess, that noise, those sleepless nights, that snoring (his), that craving, that desire and yes, even that free space to meditate..... .

Don't get me wrong, I am no saint and probably won't be one during this life time, but I appreciate the tools I have in my life...the ones that get my through each day and meditation is one of them that I have been missing for a while.
But now I have it back and funnily enough (or not) it re-inspires the use of all my other wonderful tools like Macrobiotic cooking, yoga and daily walks.

I feel so very fortunate that I have found "tools" that encourage me to strive towards my fullest potential...
I would love to hear what tools you are using and what happens when you stop using them!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

First time in the snow!

Not quite sure about this snow stuff!

Okay it's not too bad I suppose

Saturday, January 23, 2010

How to maintain a marriage when you have a toddler

I go to bed early...he comes to bed late
so we all sleep in the same bed....(our little one is in the middle)
HE sleeps, while the little one and I go in and out of dreamland.

He wakes early to meditate...I sleep on while I can.

We all eat breakfast together....
He talks to me, our little one talks to me (in her way) always at exactly the same time.
She is louder!

He starts his day, the little one and I do what we do.
We all eat lunch together...
He talks to me, she talks to me.
I forget what he said just seconds after he has said it...

He goes back to his day
the little one and I do what we do.

We all eat dinner together...
he talks to me, she talks to me.
I barely hear him, I barely see him...

He cleans up, I run the bath.
The three of us have a bath together...
We talk... she plays, relaxes, nurses, sings.
I hear him, he hears me.
I see him.
He smiles, I smile.

I love him, he loves me....we love her!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Thankful anyway Thursdays

My little one is wanting "boobie" so much at the moment...

Yesterday I was where I normally am, on the couch with my boob hanging out with my little one straddled over me, mouth on one boob and her little hand holding the other.

I must have looked so over it as my hubby looked at me with real concern and said "do you feel like a cow?"
Yes I did!

If she is not sucking on my boobs, then she has her hand down my top holding on to one of them.
It is not enough to drink out of just one she has to have both boobs out so she can push them together and joyfully go from one to the other!

If I am not quick enough to pull them out when she requests it, she starts yelling BOOBIE...BOOBIE...BOOBIE
(no matter where we are!)

At night while she sleeps (she sleeps with us) she likes to hold them or even better still, suck them.
I can't move more than a few centimeters away without her stirring and sleepily asking for "BOOBIE"

I am so boobied out that by the time my little one finally goes to sleep in the dark hours, and I get a moment or 2 to myself, if my hubby so much as looks at my "BOOBIES" I run a mile!!!

But then, my little one wakes with a smile....She kisses them, strokes them...she loves them!

So yes, I am Thankfull Anyways that I am able to give my little one such nourishment, such warmth, such joy and such security.
And I am totally thankful and in awe of my 41 year old body that does what it does so well.

Thanks Holistic Mama

Sunday, January 17, 2010

That kind of day!

I am having one of those days...

The kind of day that you don't usually talk about with others.
It is this kind of day where you tend not to answer the phone, respond to that email or write that post on your blog.

It is the kind of day when you can't avoid going to the local supermarket because you are in desperate need of something and so you make a mad dash still wearing your stained and discolored tracksuit pants...running straight to the product you are after and racing to the check out before some one you know spots you....

And of course someone you know does!

It is the kind of day where your gorgeous child seems to be crying more than usual, louder and for seemingly no reason!

It is the kind of day where you lose your temper with that gorgeous child, yell...walk away and burst into tears.

It is the kind of day when you feel like packing your bags.

It is the kind of day when you just can't get enough tea...

When you need your partner to be there and when of course he isn't!

And it is the kind of day that goes from bad to worse, with the miserable feelings associated with such a day only leaving when you finally fall asleep in the dark hours of the night.

It is the kind of day that you really need a friend to talk to but like I said, it is the kind of day we don't usually share!


I did manage to drag myself outside...ergo strapped on and all!!
I walked in the snow...magical!
Watched all the children playing on their sleds...laughing, screaming, loving life.
The little one slept...silence.
I breathed deep for the first time today.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The down side of being "The Foreigner"

So here I am in snow covered Berlin...
Yes, I can create myself any kind of identity I choose here, as I am the anonymous one.
True, everything is new and exciting to the eyes, ears and nose.
But there is a down side...there always is right?

The first major issue is...I don't speak the language!
This is huge as it means that I can't even read the ingredients or instructions on anything.
If I look for a yoga studio, I can't even read what they are offering.
Taking a train is a nightmare when you have no clue where you are going or no clue how to ask someone for help.
This used to be fun when I was young and carefree, but now whilst I carrying my little one in the ergo and freezing to death fun seems like a long way away.

These are big issues ....But this all adds to an even bigger issue....

Not being able to read or write or speak even, I am like a very small child.
The only difference being that a child (mine in particular) has massive power wrapped up in all her cuteness!

The balance of power within my relationship has tipped dramatically in favor of my hubby, after all he is German.
He now not only enjoys to be in control, he actually needs to be in control on a practical level and this I am discovering, is a deadly combination.

I have wracked my brain, trying to think of how I can even up the scales even just a little, but so far I am only coming up with blanks.

Don't get me wrong, I am trying and will continue to do so and of course I will eventually learn some German (won't I??).

But will these new dynamics between us be too entrenched to change by then??

Scary thought!

I am indeed needing to grab some gumption,
To jump in with both boots on and go for it!!

Okay, so maybe I need a push!

Monday, January 11, 2010

What has happened to my fingernails?

So it is 9pm and finally I have managed to get my little one to sleep. It has been a long day and I am tempted to join that warm little body in my bed and sleep whilst I can.
But then I think to myself that I should really make an effort to do some of the things that I want to do and never can do during the day, like spend time with my hubby or check my emails or write a post for my blog.
I decide to do this post and I get comfy with my laptop in the warm kitchen (it is snowing outside)….
Even though the dishwasher is doing its thing, I still feel this sense of silence…of space and even though my eyes feel like lead, I am glad I chose to stay up even if only for a short while.
As I am sitting here, I notice the condition of my fingernails and my hands….
My finger nails are broken off at varying lengths and are in desperate need of filing and my hands are dry and are looking their age…I won’t disgust you with the details of my toe nails but lets just say they need some attention.
I know I have the odd stray hair on my chin and the hair on my head (what is left of it) is hanging in despair where once it bounced in all its glory.
The hairs on my legs…hmm, well put it this way, my hubby calls me “his little football player”, need I say more???
I haven’t exercised properly in weeks and there is more chocolate in the fridge than there should be so as a result my waistline has gone on vacation!
Quite a pretty picture I am painting here hey?
Is this the reality of what happens when you have a toddler, travel and turn 41?
Or am I just not getting my act together like I should be?
Oh well, at least I have brushed my teeth tonight and managed to write this post.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

"Home" in Berlin at last!

So after 5 weeks of being off line, I am finally in my new (temporary) home in Berlin and back in business with my laptop and a super fast internet connection!

I am yet to find more than 5 mins alone to write a proper post but as soon as I find the time, I will fill you in on the joys and woes that have made up the last 5 weeks.

I can't wait!