Friday, September 24, 2010

forgetting how to breathe

I am writing from experience when I share with you dear reader the difference between a woman who returns to herself on a regular basis and a woman who does not.

The first is a woman I have lost and as I sit here putting these words together the best way I can, I struggle to remember what that first woman looks like or feels like. The second woman however, I can talk about easily as this is who I am in this very moment.

This woman who does not return to herself is the one who is constantly running in one direction or another, internally and externally. She is busy all day long with the many tasks each new day brings, barely having enough time to sit and sip on a cup of tea whilst it still steams from the top.

Her face is fixed, focused if you like, her jaw is tight and her eyes tired. She rarely smiles from her heart anymore.

Her hair, if she has any left, falls out of its clip on a regular basis each time revealing the unattended ends. She whips it back up in a flash never bothering to even glance in the mirror when she is done.

Her clothes no longer represent who she is, rather they are practical and most of the time comfortable. Sometimes she stares in the wardrobe with despair as her eyes desperately search for something she likes. Not one item can she find. “What would I like to have hanging in here she asks herself?”, she doesn’t even know anymore.

Her mind is constantly filled with an uneasiness that she can never explain. All she knows is that life is unsatisfactory and passing fast. She fears she may die feeling this way, unsatisfied with life and all its contents.

Every time she catches a glimpse of something inside that inspires her to turn in a different direction and move towards her becoming, she is chased back the other way again.

She slowly but surely loses the ability to communicate. She nods and smiles an empty smile when she needs to but ever so quickly the focused strain returns to her face and her lips seal tightly together once more.

She even loses the ability to communicate with herself. She tries in vain to hear what her body is trying so desperately to tell her but the sounds are muffled and she can no longer make any sense of what she hears.

Her breath no longer fills her with life, it merely prolongs her death and her heart beats to a rhythm she can no longer dance to, leaving the task of loving the other an impossible one.

She doesn’t know where to turn next so she keeps on running in one direction or another keeping far too busy to reflect on such sad things.

She cries inside. She can’t tell you why … she doesn’t really know.

She moves through her days in a mechanical way, she is becoming a machine, not a woman.

Who is she now, this woman who walks through life like a corpse?
Void of feeling, empty and numb.

She needs to return to herself, somewhere in her heart she knows this all too well but she doesn’t know how anymore.

She is lost in this strange place and fears she will never find her way back.

She needs to breathe, she has forgotten how....
Too long attached to the fake placenta.... she needs to breathe on her own again.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Routine on the run!

My latest epiphany happened when I was in the midst of desperately trying to create some kind of routine for my very earth bound virgo child, whilst packing my back pack in preparation to move onto the next place.

Is is just me or this a super weird image?

It really got me thinking and recognising just how much time and energy I put into trying to maintain some kind of rhythm and routine so that my little one can move through her days with more ease. I know this is an absolutely normal practice for the majority of mums that work with the idea that kids function better with some kind of routine and rhythm (I am obviously one of these) but to me it just seems a little contrary to our lifestyle somehow.

Here we are roaming around the globe with very few possessions (we have plenty at home in boxes!) trying to immerse ourselves into different cultures, thinking how wonderful this is for our little lotus flower and all the time I am subconsciously maintaining her security by keeping the rhythm that she loves and works best with.

I am talking about the little things like; the stories we read together in bed when we wake up in the morning or brushing our teeth after breakfast or washing our hands before we eat and of course the songs we sing as we lay in bed together at night before we go to sleep.

These simple things, these re-occurring moments mean so much to my little virgo girl.

What would it do to her if I totally let go of these small things that give each new day some similarity to the last and that provide her with the comfort of knowing at times what comes next?

Likewise, what would it be like for her to always be able to sit in her chair at the table and to always eat the same kind of food or to sleep in the same bed.... and always wake up in the same bed?

She has us... her mama and papa and we are always with her when she drifts off to sleep at night and always there when she opens her eyes in the morning.... but is that enough?

My virgo lotus is an amazing 2 year old that can remember all the words to nearly every nursery rhyme I have taught her, that can count to 10 in two languages and say hello in many. She is gentle, loving and toilet trained and as independent as we will allow her to be.

But is she blossoming as fully and totally as a child that has a permanent address?

I am not so sure anymore.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Bringing me to my knees

Delhi Belly, it is almost like a tax you have to pay when you visit India... Almost everyone gets it at least once!
It hits you like a high speed rocket right in your solar plexus and brings you to your knees... literally!

Running between the bed and the loo is not much fun and getting so weak so quickly is terrifying!
Losing kilos as quick as a child loses interest in some plastic crappy toy brings both joy and horror all at the same time and the deep sensation of missing home (wherever that may be) is at times overwhelming!

Oh to be somewhere clean!! Somewhere familiar and safe and to be surrounded by all my stuff!!!

So, as awful and painful as it is, it seems that getting a dose of Delhi Belly proves to be a great opportunity for some deep introspection.

I start to really reflect on my "gypsy heart" and my need to move around the globe over and over again.
I start to ask myself what it is that I am REALLY looking for and if I think I will ever find it!

Who am I anyway?
Am I some ordinary house frau that is trying desperately to escape the hum drum life?
Or am I a sexy 40 something year old that loves the change that travel brings and the all the learning that comes with it?

Hmmm you know what, at this very moment in time I can't honestly answer that question!

I guess in the end this is the key right?
Hey wait, I think I have just had an epiphany!!!

Ok, so first I need to discover who I really am and then and only then will I be able to find THE place where I will feel at home. The thing is, does all this moving and traveling and learning and exploring open doorways to my inner side that would otherwise not be revealed?
Or do I need to stay in one spot and explore what surfaces in such a situation??

Ok answers please!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

So here I am…. after 9 months, 5 countries and too many plane rides to count, I am sitting here, in this little house over looking the Himalayas in Northern India, with a heart full of gratitude and a head full of stories.

My little one is sleeping, the monsoon rain is falling heavily outside as it does every afternoon now and finally, I can once again after what seems like an eternity
return to my blog.

Returning to this space to write after so very long is kind of the same as when I run into an old friend I haven’t seen for ages and I have just so much to share and hear that I just don’t know where to start. I end up either rambling on in what sounds like a jumbled mess, with arms and facial expressions flying around everywhere or at times when it is all just too much to share in a supermarket isle, I simply say “hey yeah, I am fine!” And then of course walk off feeling totally frustrated!

Anybody out there know what I mean?

That age old question of where to begin chants over and over in my mind and the answer I get is always the same… at the beginning… But do you know what, I am not so sure that that is how we women communicate best….

Don’t we kind of get together and ok we might start at one point but don’t we move in circles and waves and spirals rather than straight lines that go from beginning to end?

Don’t we dance to and fro, mixing this with that, relating one to the other?
Sounds like a style of communication that would be tremendously difficult to follow right? My hubby surely thinks so!!

But we do follow don’t we?

We not only follow, we relate to what the other is sharing and somehow even though we may be worlds apart on many levels, we get it… we feel it…we share it.

I am finding that there is something so very special about women getting together.. Yes of course I have felt this on many occasions with familiar friends but now, moving around the globe with my little one, I feel as though I am touching on something even more special.

I am meeting women from different places, with different cultures, stories backgrounds, lifestyles, likes and dislikes and yet we gravitate towards each other with the force of a power unknown.

Even as I endevour to support my very independent almost 2 year old as she navigates the holes in the road, the stinging nettles and the massive amounts of cow dung on the way to the local eating place, a silent knowing look and encouraging smile from the passing woman who is also playing a similar game as me with her toddler, seems to fill a space in me that at times can feel very empty.

I hope you out there can manage to navigate yourself through the above ramblings of my thoughts of words and I hope now that I am BACK, we can continue to share our "ramblings" on a more regular basis!!

For now though, I have come to that place at the supermarkert isle, when I need to go "Ok now it is all to much!" I am going to allow myself to silently stare out the window at the beauty of this place that surrounds me and just do nothing until my little Lotus flower wakes :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Having babies after 40... yes or no?

So, here I am 41 (42 this year) and still thinking of having another baby, am I crazy?

I can't quite work it out, I feel the same inside as I have always felt.
Of course I have learnt things and experienced things and changed my mind about this that or the other but on the whole, I feel the same as I did when I had my first baby almost 20 years ago!

The majority of time, I skip along through my days without realising how old I am... Okay so I don't feel physically feel like a 20 year old and I don't act like a 20 year old either ( I don't think) and ok, I can admit I definitely don't look like a 20 year old... I am simply me and have always been me and so when I am confronted with comments like "you are too old to be having babies" funnily enough, I am initially really suprised.

I remember when I was in my 20's thinking that people in their 40's were SOOOOO old but now I am here in the 40's, well things look a little different!

I would love to give my little 19 month old a sibling around her own age and at times I don't think about any of the negative stuff but then my mind starts throwing things at me like "shouldn't you be concerned about looking like a pregnant grandmother?" or "Aren't you worried about not fitting in when you go to playgroup with your little one?" or "how will you feel if your kids are ashamed of having an OLD mum?"

Just a few years ago when I got pregnant with my youngest daughter I didn't think twice, but now it feels like I am supposed to have all these concerns.

Have I crossed some invisible line and so now fall into the category where being spontaneous, carefree and going with what feels right is not allowed???

There are women all over the world having babies at my age and older.... aren't there???

Thoughts anyone???
And, if you are out there mums over 40 let me know!!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Back again

So where am I now??
Well I am sitting here in a not very nice place in a not very nice town in good old Mother England.

My little one is asleep... finally, my hubby is at work and I am left here in silence (if you don't count the noise from the busy road outside) to contemplate my thoughts...

Here is where they are at the moment...
I am in a little shock right now, just yesterday I was on top of the world. We had found our little piece of paradise or so we thought and were all set to move in on the weekend coming.

I was also pregnant again and happy to be so! And I tell you at 41 this is quite something!!!

Today, there are problems with the house and moving in AND when I went to pee this morning, there was that sight that all pregnant women (especially my age) dread to see.... The spot!

Well the spot has turned into a flow...
AND the real estate agent is not bending for us and so I have all but given up hope of getting out of this not very nice house in a not very nice town this weekend!

I have not however, given up hope that this "flow" stops and that I am still pregnant at the end of this day...
Will keep you posted on that one!

But how amazing, one minute all looks rosy and wonderful and it seems like all is going your way... You walk around with your head high and shoulders back and you feel like you are just glowing. Then suddenly almost from one minute to the next, you are grovelling on the floor, howling like a wolf at the full moon and wondering what you could have possibly done to deserve all this!


Friday, February 19, 2010

Passionate Fury

You may or may not have noticed that I have been missing in action for a while now.
I have been going through quite a process since arriving here in Berlin, spiraling through to the depths and winding my way, albeit slowly, back out....such is the undertow of the winter darkness!

Things are changing all the time... my weight, the sky, my moods, my desires and the issue.

The last few days it is the story of Demeter and her precious daughter Persephone that have been consuming my soul.

My own Persephone was taken from me by the devil himself sometime ago and I have wandered the planet in frustration ever since, trying to rid myself of the fury that has taken up residence within me.
Sometimes I plunge into darkness for days and drag the whole world with me, leaving no color or warmth or sunshine behind and other times I force my way to the surface, so I can once again bask in the summer sun and regain my energy and strength.

On sunday it will be Persephone's birthday and my womb already aches in such a deep way as it remembers her resting there in peace and safety. The tears flow readily and the fury within can only be known by the mother who has lost her child.

There is no-one to blame for the misery but myself, I turned my back on the devil... he tricked me and I fell for it, losing something so precious as a result.

The power I feel is immense, I feel the full weight of Demeter and her rage behind me...Making me larger than life.

It is frightening
It is thrilling

My lesson is to channel this rage, to let it work for me, not against me....
If only I had on hand a paint brush and the color red... the color of the womb, the color of blood, the color of passionate rage.

Friday, January 29, 2010

ABC's of Me

Thanks to Mon over at Holistic Mama for the idea!

A - Age: 41 years and 7 months
B - Book: Wild child, Women Who Run With the Wolves
C - Chore (dislike): mopping floor
D - Drink: Tea and as much as I can get, chai-even better!
E - Eat: pasta, chocolate
F - Flower: Any!!
G - Gem: Moonstone
H - Height: 5'4" (164cm)
I - Instruments: I sing quite well, or so I am told!
J - Joy: spooning my little one
K - Kid(s): 3 gorgeous girls, 17 months, 18 years and almost 20 years (yikes)
L - Living: currently in Berlin (not sure how long for)
M - Music: Norah jones, India Aria (many female artists)
N - Noise: as much silence as I can get (yep, I am with you on this one)...but I love Buddhist chanting too.
O - Ornaments: Photos mainly and a few different sculptures I have collected on the way
P - Pet Peeve: When my hubby's snoring wakes up my little one just when I have managed to unplug her and roll onto my back!
Q - Quote: "An unexamined life is a life not worth living"
R - Right or left handed: Right although eat with left
S - Sibling(s): 5 Older sisters
T - Time you wake up: whenever the little one does, at the moment around 7.30am
U - Underwear: nothing fancy unfortunately
V - Vegetable:Kale
W - Word: equanimity
X - X-rays: none
Z - Zzzz: Yes I need some more of those!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

An image of you

As I sat to meditate last night, an image came into my mind.
It was the image of a perfect little face...
Framed by a mass of brown curls and wearing THAT smile.

It is the same smile that shines in every photo and in every memory I have of you.

You were wearing that very thin, soft pink dress that we both loved and your "horse riding" boots...(remember them?).

This is the image I often get when I think of you...

You were so very happy, confident and so full of love.

I miss that little girl...sometimes I cry so hard when I think of how far away she is from me now.

She is angry now...

Angry at me, angry at life or so it seems.

I wish I could turn back the clock and hold that little girl in her favorite pink dress one more time.

But all I can do is cherish those images and memories I have of you...

And wait....
I will wait for you.
I will wait until you are ready to open up to me again.
I will be here when the anger subsides and you come looking for me...

I will always be here...

I am your mum and thats what mums do.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Meditation and Me

Well I am thrilled to say that I am finally back on track with my meditation practice after what seems like months.
Since my little one was born I have tended to use any small moments that I have to myself to either nap or just zone out in silence, with the urge to meditate all but gone.

I have always been one of those meditators that meditates regularly because I know out of experience that it is so good for me...
I was always a little envious of those meditators like my hubby, who actually love to meditate.

But the other day, when I was pondering on writing a post on meditation, I realised that I have changed...I am now, after 10 solid years of meditation, one of those meditators that loves meditating!

With this new found love, I have miraculously now managed to set up a nightly routine that actually creates a space for me to sit and meditate.

Where up until recently I would be desperate to crawl into bed and be oh so grateful when I finally got there, I am now just as eager to hit the cushion and am just as grateful to be able to close my eyes and clean my mind.

Already I can feel the difference...

This mind of mine which had become dull and tired has sprung back to life, pouring juice into each and every activity I undertake.
...Infusing all my dealings with my little one and my hubby with patience and love,
...Boosting my confidence in dealing with the world I am currently living in,
and restoring the awareness of my mind so that I can live in each moment with the understanding that "all things change".

This knowledge of "change" is so very important as it reminds me that nothing lasts forever....that crying, that nipple twisting, that biting, that mess, that noise, those sleepless nights, that snoring (his), that craving, that desire and yes, even that free space to meditate..... .

Don't get me wrong, I am no saint and probably won't be one during this life time, but I appreciate the tools I have in my life...the ones that get my through each day and meditation is one of them that I have been missing for a while.
But now I have it back and funnily enough (or not) it re-inspires the use of all my other wonderful tools like Macrobiotic cooking, yoga and daily walks.

I feel so very fortunate that I have found "tools" that encourage me to strive towards my fullest potential...
I would love to hear what tools you are using and what happens when you stop using them!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

First time in the snow!

Not quite sure about this snow stuff!

Okay it's not too bad I suppose

Saturday, January 23, 2010

How to maintain a marriage when you have a toddler

I go to bed early...he comes to bed late
so we all sleep in the same bed....(our little one is in the middle)
HE sleeps, while the little one and I go in and out of dreamland.

He wakes early to meditate...I sleep on while I can.

We all eat breakfast together....
He talks to me, our little one talks to me (in her way) always at exactly the same time.
She is louder!

He starts his day, the little one and I do what we do.
We all eat lunch together...
He talks to me, she talks to me.
I forget what he said just seconds after he has said it...

He goes back to his day
the little one and I do what we do.

We all eat dinner together...
he talks to me, she talks to me.
I barely hear him, I barely see him...

He cleans up, I run the bath.
The three of us have a bath together...
We talk... she plays, relaxes, nurses, sings.
I hear him, he hears me.
I see him.
He smiles, I smile.

I love him, he loves me....we love her!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Thankful anyway Thursdays

My little one is wanting "boobie" so much at the moment...

Yesterday I was where I normally am, on the couch with my boob hanging out with my little one straddled over me, mouth on one boob and her little hand holding the other.

I must have looked so over it as my hubby looked at me with real concern and said "do you feel like a cow?"
Yes I did!

If she is not sucking on my boobs, then she has her hand down my top holding on to one of them.
It is not enough to drink out of just one she has to have both boobs out so she can push them together and joyfully go from one to the other!

If I am not quick enough to pull them out when she requests it, she starts yelling BOOBIE...BOOBIE...BOOBIE
(no matter where we are!)

At night while she sleeps (she sleeps with us) she likes to hold them or even better still, suck them.
I can't move more than a few centimeters away without her stirring and sleepily asking for "BOOBIE"

I am so boobied out that by the time my little one finally goes to sleep in the dark hours, and I get a moment or 2 to myself, if my hubby so much as looks at my "BOOBIES" I run a mile!!!

But then, my little one wakes with a smile....She kisses them, strokes them...she loves them!

So yes, I am Thankfull Anyways that I am able to give my little one such nourishment, such warmth, such joy and such security.
And I am totally thankful and in awe of my 41 year old body that does what it does so well.

Thanks Holistic Mama

Sunday, January 17, 2010

That kind of day!

I am having one of those days...

The kind of day that you don't usually talk about with others.
It is this kind of day where you tend not to answer the phone, respond to that email or write that post on your blog.

It is the kind of day when you can't avoid going to the local supermarket because you are in desperate need of something and so you make a mad dash still wearing your stained and discolored tracksuit pants...running straight to the product you are after and racing to the check out before some one you know spots you....

And of course someone you know does!

It is the kind of day where your gorgeous child seems to be crying more than usual, louder and for seemingly no reason!

It is the kind of day where you lose your temper with that gorgeous child, yell...walk away and burst into tears.

It is the kind of day when you feel like packing your bags.

It is the kind of day when you just can't get enough tea...

When you need your partner to be there and when of course he isn't!

And it is the kind of day that goes from bad to worse, with the miserable feelings associated with such a day only leaving when you finally fall asleep in the dark hours of the night.

It is the kind of day that you really need a friend to talk to but like I said, it is the kind of day we don't usually share!


I did manage to drag myself outside...ergo strapped on and all!!
I walked in the snow...magical!
Watched all the children playing on their sleds...laughing, screaming, loving life.
The little one slept...silence.
I breathed deep for the first time today.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The down side of being "The Foreigner"

So here I am in snow covered Berlin...
Yes, I can create myself any kind of identity I choose here, as I am the anonymous one.
True, everything is new and exciting to the eyes, ears and nose.
But there is a down side...there always is right?

The first major issue is...I don't speak the language!
This is huge as it means that I can't even read the ingredients or instructions on anything.
If I look for a yoga studio, I can't even read what they are offering.
Taking a train is a nightmare when you have no clue where you are going or no clue how to ask someone for help.
This used to be fun when I was young and carefree, but now whilst I carrying my little one in the ergo and freezing to death fun seems like a long way away.

These are big issues ....But this all adds to an even bigger issue....

Not being able to read or write or speak even, I am like a very small child.
The only difference being that a child (mine in particular) has massive power wrapped up in all her cuteness!

The balance of power within my relationship has tipped dramatically in favor of my hubby, after all he is German.
He now not only enjoys to be in control, he actually needs to be in control on a practical level and this I am discovering, is a deadly combination.

I have wracked my brain, trying to think of how I can even up the scales even just a little, but so far I am only coming up with blanks.

Don't get me wrong, I am trying and will continue to do so and of course I will eventually learn some German (won't I??).

But will these new dynamics between us be too entrenched to change by then??

Scary thought!

I am indeed needing to grab some gumption,
To jump in with both boots on and go for it!!

Okay, so maybe I need a push!

Monday, January 11, 2010

What has happened to my fingernails?

So it is 9pm and finally I have managed to get my little one to sleep. It has been a long day and I am tempted to join that warm little body in my bed and sleep whilst I can.
But then I think to myself that I should really make an effort to do some of the things that I want to do and never can do during the day, like spend time with my hubby or check my emails or write a post for my blog.
I decide to do this post and I get comfy with my laptop in the warm kitchen (it is snowing outside)….
Even though the dishwasher is doing its thing, I still feel this sense of silence…of space and even though my eyes feel like lead, I am glad I chose to stay up even if only for a short while.
As I am sitting here, I notice the condition of my fingernails and my hands….
My finger nails are broken off at varying lengths and are in desperate need of filing and my hands are dry and are looking their age…I won’t disgust you with the details of my toe nails but lets just say they need some attention.
I know I have the odd stray hair on my chin and the hair on my head (what is left of it) is hanging in despair where once it bounced in all its glory.
The hairs on my legs…hmm, well put it this way, my hubby calls me “his little football player”, need I say more???
I haven’t exercised properly in weeks and there is more chocolate in the fridge than there should be so as a result my waistline has gone on vacation!
Quite a pretty picture I am painting here hey?
Is this the reality of what happens when you have a toddler, travel and turn 41?
Or am I just not getting my act together like I should be?
Oh well, at least I have brushed my teeth tonight and managed to write this post.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

"Home" in Berlin at last!

So after 5 weeks of being off line, I am finally in my new (temporary) home in Berlin and back in business with my laptop and a super fast internet connection!

I am yet to find more than 5 mins alone to write a proper post but as soon as I find the time, I will fill you in on the joys and woes that have made up the last 5 weeks.

I can't wait!