Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Random thoughts

Here I am sitting on my couch...My little one is having a very late arvo nap (4pm) and my thoughts have turned towards all the yesterdays that have passed.
Do you remember those days when we seemed to be soooo much younger, more free and more alive???
Was it that way or am I just creating a past of fun and passion that didn't actually exist?
I don't know... I was just strolling along the street with my little one and started feeling really nostalgic...or maybe I just realised how terribly stuck and controlled I feel.
I just don't feel like I have any fun anymore....I almost feel dead inside, moving through each day just managing the basics, isn't that sad??

My little one is my brightness, my light and joy....she makes me smile and giggle and she keeps my heart open, but she reminds me that there are gaps and spaces in my life.
She reminds me that I am not bringing creativity into my day to day living.
She reminds me that I am not pushing myself in any direction... that I don't even work up a sweat when we go for a walk.

I am feeling like I want to hear my feet pound down on the road and feel the wind rush into my face as I run as far and fast as I can everyday.
I am feeling like I want to splash red and purple and orange on my walls and draw rainbows and the curves of women's bodies.
I want to dance until I am totally out of breath.
Laugh until my belly aches.
Eat delicious food around the table for hours.
Walk under the full moon light.
Watch the sun set.
Cry over a good movie.
Make beautiful toys using luscious coloured wool and other sensuous fabrics.
Plant herbs and other edibles for me and my family to enjoy.
Tune into nature.

How do I get to do these things???
Where do I begin???
Why have I stopped living life???
What am I afraid of??


  1. *sigh* I can SO relate to much of this....

    I often feel like I've lost all the fire and drive I used to have...traded it in for the day-to-days (not that I don't adore those)...I feel ineffectual, weak, chicken-hearted....complacent.

    I used to be a warrior.....


  2. Sometimes I feel like this too...and then I try to do one of these things (the things from your list), and it helps...Kids are a wonderful blessing in this way, because they show us when we are getting numb, or shut down, or have lost the sense of joy in life, I think....
    For myself, I feel like I go in phases, in and out...it's tough with young kids sometimes, to make the time to find our individual joys, so much of our time is spent on the needs of others...I hope you reconnect to yours in coming days...

  3. Thankyou for your support Mel and mommymystic....it is nice to know you are out there :)

  4. I've had frequent wibbles about all of this over the years. I really hear you. I have looked up at a beautiful, starlit sky and wondered where my part in the beauty of the night is, and wondered why I can't feel the freedom and sensuality of who and where I am now. Where did it go? What happened to that wild, passionate, brave woman? But she's still in there isn't she? She just gets so bloody tired sometimes.

    And for me, reconnecting with this energy means catching up with women friends who will dance and laugh with me, ritual, listening to loud music, moonlit walks. It is really challenging to redirect our energy, or just give a little back to ourselves when we're immersed in mothering and the needs of others.

    You will dance again! I hope you can give yourself at least one of those things on your list...you've certainly given me ideas!

  5. oh yes..i get this. i have ineffective and "better" ways of listening to the calls. right now i'm actually amazed that my response to these sorts of feelings has been to slow down even more. stare into my little guy's eyes. engage completely. and dance with him...a lot. i also remember that I often felt this stuff before i had a child...

  6. I've learned to just "be" in the moment. Whatever the heck makes me feel good in that moment, instead of worrying about what I have to do, or feel compelled to do out of habit. I really wanted to paint with Michael, and even though I didn't have the right paint or the right supplies, I just used what I had, and went to it. Michael ended up not enjoying it too much, but I loved it. It inspired me to do some more, so I am planning to get more paint next time I am at the craft store. You just have to do it. I don't know how else to explain it. Make something, anything, a priority for a day. You can really do it if you prioritize it. Just choose one little thing, and be determined to do it. This is how I get my photo shoots done with Michael. It really takes all my effort that day to do it, and I don't worry about the chores, the shopping, or any other activity.

    What am I saying here? Sometimes it can be spontaneous, and sometimes you have to plan it.

  7. Some good advice from everyone above. I think we can all relate to what you are feeling.

    When you look at your list as a whole it is overwhelming and no wonder you can't think where to start to get these things back into your life! Take one at a time and consider each one individually. As Lisa says, pick one and then make it your goal for one week to spend a few minutes every day or 4 days out of the week to work on that one activity. Once you've done that, try it again for another week. Slowly but surely you can do the same thing for each activity. It will take time and a bit of effort but you can enjoy these things again and you will!

    Get friends and family on board to encourage you in these activities too. Good luck!

  8. Oh, sweet thing the creative energy will come to you when the time is right. When my oldest was new to us, when all my energy went into her and nothing else I felt the same way. It took baby steps and a lot of soul searching to get where I am now. I figured out how to mingle both my creative domestic side and my care for the girls together. Since they are now 6&8 it is much easier to do the things we do now. Creativity has just become a necessity, a way of life for us.

    That spark will hit you, a spark that you cannot ignore and it will lead you in the direction you want to be; jump in when it happens.

    Take care- lisa

  9. I love this blog land and the space it provides for women to connect and to support one another. I feel so inspired by many of you and I feel so nurtured, so understood and cared for.
    Thank you for embracing me and my words :)