Passionate Fury

You may or may not have noticed that I have been missing in action for a while now.
I have been going through quite a process since arriving here in Berlin, spiraling through to the depths and winding my way, albeit slowly, back out....such is the undertow of the winter darkness!

Things are changing all the time... my weight, the sky, my moods, my desires and the issue.

The last few days it is the story of Demeter and her precious daughter Persephone that have been consuming my soul.

My own Persephone was taken from me by the devil himself sometime ago and I have wandered the planet in frustration ever since, trying to rid myself of the fury that has taken up residence within me.
Sometimes I plunge into darkness for days and drag the whole world with me, leaving no color or warmth or sunshine behind and other times I force my way to the surface, so I can once again bask in the summer sun and regain my energy and strength.

On sunday it will be Persephone's birthday and my womb already aches in such a deep way as it remembers her resting there in peace and safety. The tears flow readily and the fury within can only be known by the mother who has lost her child.

There is no-one to blame for the misery but myself, I turned my back on the devil... he tricked me and I fell for it, losing something so precious as a result.

The power I feel is immense, I feel the full weight of Demeter and her rage behind me...Making me larger than life.

It is frightening
It is thrilling

My lesson is to channel this rage, to let it work for me, not against me....
If only I had on hand a paint brush and the color red... the color of the womb, the color of blood, the color of passionate rage.

ABC's of Me

Thanks to Mon over at Holistic Mama for the idea!

A - Age: 41 years and 7 months
B - Book: Wild child, Women Who Run With the Wolves
C - Chore (dislike): mopping floor
D - Drink: Tea and as much as I can get, chai-even better!
E - Eat: pasta, chocolate
F - Flower: Any!!
G - Gem: Moonstone
H - Height: 5'4" (164cm)
I - Instruments: I sing quite well, or so I am told!
J - Joy: spooning my little one
K - Kid(s): 3 gorgeous girls, 17 months, 18 years and almost 20 years (yikes)
L - Living: currently in Berlin (not sure how long for)
M - Music: Norah jones, India Aria (many female artists)
N - Noise: as much silence as I can get (yep, I am with you on this one)...but I love Buddhist chanting too.
O - Ornaments: Photos mainly and a few different sculptures I have collected on the way
P - Pet Peeve: When my hubby's snoring wakes up my little one just when I have managed to unplug her and roll onto my back!
Q - Quote: "An unexamined life is a life not worth living"
R - Right or left handed: Right although eat with left
S - Sibling(s): 5 Older sisters
T - Time you wake up: whenever the little one does, at the moment around 7.30am
U - Underwear: nothing fancy unfortunately
V - Vegetable:Kale
W - Word: equanimity
X - X-rays: none
Y - Yearning: A GARDEN FULL OF FLOWERS, VEGETABLES AND HERBS!!!!
Z - Zzzz: Yes I need some more of those!

An image of you

As I sat to meditate last night, an image came into my mind.
It was the image of a perfect little face...
Framed by a mass of brown curls and wearing THAT smile.

It is the same smile that shines in every photo and in every memory I have of you.

You were wearing that very thin, soft pink dress that we both loved and your "horse riding" boots...(remember them?).

This is the image I often get when I think of you...

You were so very happy, confident and so full of love.

I miss that little girl...sometimes I cry so hard when I think of how far away she is from me now.

She is angry now...

Angry at me, angry at life or so it seems.

I wish I could turn back the clock and hold that little girl in her favorite pink dress one more time.

But all I can do is cherish those images and memories I have of you...

And wait....
I will wait for you.
I will wait until you are ready to open up to me again.
I will be here when the anger subsides and you come looking for me...

I will always be here...

I am your mum and thats what mums do.

Meditation and Me

Well I am thrilled to say that I am finally back on track with my meditation practice after what seems like months.
Since my little one was born I have tended to use any small moments that I have to myself to either nap or just zone out in silence, with the urge to meditate all but gone.

I have always been one of those meditators that meditates regularly because I know out of experience that it is so good for me...
I was always a little envious of those meditators like my hubby, who actually love to meditate.

But the other day, when I was pondering on writing a post on meditation, I realised that I have changed...I am now, after 10 solid years of meditation, one of those meditators that loves meditating!

With this new found love, I have miraculously now managed to set up a nightly routine that actually creates a space for me to sit and meditate.

Where up until recently I would be desperate to crawl into bed and be oh so grateful when I finally got there, I am now just as eager to hit the cushion and am just as grateful to be able to close my eyes and clean my mind.

Already I can feel the difference...

This mind of mine which had become dull and tired has sprung back to life, pouring juice into each and every activity I undertake.
...Infusing all my dealings with my little one and my hubby with patience and love,
...Boosting my confidence in dealing with the world I am currently living in,
and restoring the awareness of my mind so that I can live in each moment with the understanding that "all things change".

This knowledge of "change" is so very important as it reminds me that nothing lasts forever....that crying, that nipple twisting, that biting, that mess, that noise, those sleepless nights, that snoring (his), that craving, that desire and yes, even that free space to meditate..... .

Don't get me wrong, I am no saint and probably won't be one during this life time, but I appreciate the tools I have in my life...the ones that get my through each day and meditation is one of them that I have been missing for a while.
But now I have it back and funnily enough (or not) it re-inspires the use of all my other wonderful tools like Macrobiotic cooking, yoga and daily walks.

I feel so very fortunate that I have found "tools" that encourage me to strive towards my fullest potential...
I would love to hear what tools you are using and what happens when you stop using them!

First time in the snow!

Not quite sure about this snow stuff!






Okay it's not too bad I suppose

How to maintain a marriage when you have a toddler

I go to bed early...he comes to bed late
so we all sleep in the same bed....(our little one is in the middle)
HE sleeps, while the little one and I go in and out of dreamland.

He wakes early to meditate...I sleep on while I can.

We all eat breakfast together....
He talks to me, our little one talks to me (in her way) always at exactly the same time.
She is louder!

He starts his day, the little one and I do what we do.
We all eat lunch together...
He talks to me, she talks to me.
I forget what he said just seconds after he has said it...

He goes back to his day
the little one and I do what we do.

We all eat dinner together...
he talks to me, she talks to me.
I barely hear him, I barely see him...

He cleans up, I run the bath.
The three of us have a bath together...
We talk... she plays, relaxes, nurses, sings.
I hear him, he hears me.
I see him.
He smiles, I smile.

I love him, he loves me....we love her!

Thankful anyway Thursdays

My little one is wanting "boobie" so much at the moment...

Yesterday I was where I normally am, on the couch with my boob hanging out with my little one straddled over me, mouth on one boob and her little hand holding the other.

I must have looked so over it as my hubby looked at me with real concern and said "do you feel like a cow?"
Yes I did!

If she is not sucking on my boobs, then she has her hand down my top holding on to one of them.
It is not enough to drink out of just one boob...now she has to have both boobs out so she can push them together and joyfully go from one to the other!

If I am not quick enough to pull them out when she requests it, she starts yelling BOOBIE...BOOBIE...BOOBIE
(no matter where we are!)

At night while she sleeps (she sleeps with us) she likes to hold them or even better still, suck them.
I can't move more than a few centimeters away without her stirring and sleepily asking for "BOOBIE"

I am so boobied out that by the time my little one finally goes to sleep in the dark hours, and I get a moment or 2 to myself, if my hubby so much as looks at my "BOOBIES" I run a mile!!!

But then, my little one wakes with a smile....She kisses them, strokes them...she loves them!


So yes, I am Thankfull Anyways that I am able to give my little one such nourishment, such warmth, such joy and such security.
And I am totally thankful and in awe of my 41 year old body that does what it does so well.

Thanks Holistic Mama