Heartache in Bali

Oh the joys of the modern “patchwork” family!!
Yes I am a member of a group of people who have come together via marriage and who call themselves a family.
In our group, we have his kids, my kids and our child and over the last ten years, we have all, at some time or another, struggled with this mis-matching of characters and personalities.
Now here we are in Bali with three kids over 18 and our little one who is just 15 months and it is such a challenge!
My girls have never really accepted my hubby and this has caused me such heartache over the years. I have always tried to do the balancing act between them, like a referee in a boxing match, which is just so very tiring, not to mention stressful.
Now that they are older I was hoping that this holiday in Bali would pull us together as a family and allow for old wounds and misunderstandings to be healed.
But, now that we only have a few days left, I can see that this is probably never going to happen and the only thing that this holiday has achieved is tearing open those old wounds and to create new ones.
There have been times during this trip where I have been so very close to taking off in the middle of the night with my little one and escaping to a place where no-one would ever find me…
A place where I wouldn’t have to chose one person over the other…
A place where I could be who I am without being accused of leaving this one out or not loving that one enough or loving the other too much.
How many tears have I shed over the years?
I can tell you that I have cried more than one river…
I am tired of it all.
I am tired of my girls trying to make me feel guilty for the choices I have made and for marrying the man I love.
I am tired of my hubby feeling so very uncomfortable all the time that he ends up walking around like a time bomb waiting to go off.
I am tired of the explosions.
I am tired of the glares that are aimed at me from across the room, the cutting words, the threats and the accusations.
I am tired of walking on egg shells, of holding my breath, of crying when no-one is looking.
Now my girls are going back to their father, back to their life, back to university, to their friends and their ways and I am off to Germany with my hubby and our little one.
I will cry more rivers when I say goodbye….
I will probably cry oceans from now until the day I die because I am a member of a modern “patchwork” family and because the man I love so much is never going to be accepted by the daughters I adore.

Restricting the little one

Whilst Bali is stunningly beautiful, with its mountains, rice paddies, palm trees and majestic views, it is proving to be very tough for my little one of 15 months.
In our other life where we had a huge home, she was free to roam as she saw fit from room to room, from person to person… all the while being safe and at ease and without restriction… like a real continuum child, she was happy, placid and relaxed in her environment and within her self.
Here in Bali where the pathways are cracked and uneven (upon which she fell and smacked her head so hard that she immediately had an egg on her head the size of a small melon and the colour of deep purple) and that have huge uncovered man-holes, where there are motor bikes and cars whizzing around seemingly without road rules and with unfenced swimming pools (something so foreign to Australians) in every place we stay….
For the first time in her life, my little one is finding her-self very restricted and worse than that, it is her mama that is doing the restricting.
She is so very independent and so very insistent to walk on her own, which is wonderful when we are somewhere that is safe but here it is proving to be somewhat of a nightmare!
She is having to hold our hands which she generally loves but only when it is her choice.
She is having to be carried at times when she just doesn’t want to be.
She is being steered away from danger and I mean REAL danger a lot of the time and as a result, she is just not happy!
She is screaming and throwing tantrums like never before and she is biting my nipples during feeding with such ferocity and intent that I am actually frightened to feed her.
It was only this morning that I put two and two together and realised that the she is biting me because she is angry with me for restricting her movements so much.
She is frustrated so deeply and so am I.
It is so easy to follow the continuum way when your child is in a known, safe and familiar environment.
I can see all too clearly what happens to the child that is restricted….so much frustration and despair.
I only have a few days left here so I am not too worried about Bali but I am on my way to a new life in Berlin…a major city.
How will I allow the freedom there?
Where will my little one find the spaces and gaps she needs for exploration of her inner self?

Being in Bali

Just a little note to let my followers know that I have not dropped off the face of the planet, I am merely sunning myself in Bali with very limited internet access.
I will soon be in my new home in Germany and will delight you ( I hope) with my adventure stories.
I am missing my blogging and my blogging sisters so much!
I have so many posts going around in my head....
Wishing you all a safe and fabulously happy festive season.

which Goddess shall I be today?

So in under a week I leave my home turf once again, to embark on a new chapter in my life.
We are going from rural Queensland to mid city Berlin...talk about going from one extreme to the other!!!

There are so many things I am really looking forward to like....
experiencing a cold christmas, hopefully with some snow
Going for walks in a snake free forest
Wearing gloves, scarves and beanies
Watching mother nature as she moves from season to season (we only have two seasons here, wet and dry!)
Living in a place that has more than 3000 people
Having everything I need and more, right at my finger tips

But the thing I am looking forward to most, is being the foreigner.

I think this is what I really love about traveling....

I like the fact that everything is new to me and that I am new to everything and everyone.

I can create and re-create myself to be whoever and whatever I choose.
It is a bit like going to a fancy dress party and choosing a costume and a mask to wear.

I think we all wear different masks according to who we are with and what we are doing...I am not saying we pretend to be something we are not...it is more that we express different aspects of what we are in different situations.

I am many things rolled into one, maybe it is because my sun is in Gemini, maybe it is because I am a woman who loves to roam and I have collected and added many different things into my being...what ever the reason I am many different women rolled into one.

Sometimes I am Hestia, bringing beauty and safety into my home for myself and my family.
Sometimes I am Athena, cramming in 45 minutes of academic study whilst my little one sleeps.
Sometimes I am Aphrodite....need I say more????
Sometimes I am Artemis, fiercly protective of women and womanhood.
And sometimes Demeter, with protecting arms around my daughters.

Unfortunately it seems that I have yet to find the environment or space in which I feel I can allow all the different aspects of my self to emerge. What seems to happen is that when I am in a certain place for some time, habits tend to form...friendships are made and expectations are built. In other words, people get to know me as being reserved for example, and they tend to expect me to always be that way, so my extroverted whacky side gets pushed down underneath and temporarily fades away.

So I move through my days playing out this or that role....
Slowly over time, irritation starts to build and initially I am not sure why.
The Freddy Mercury song "I want to break free" starts playing over and over in my head...
I start feeling trapped, bound up, suppressed almost.
I start looking through travel books, old photos of journeys past...
Eventually I arm myself with Artemis' bow and head for the wilderness.

People may say that I am running from this or that but I don't see it that way.
I like to explore my planet and each time I go on a journey I discover another side of myself...another missing piece to the puzzle of who I am.

Living in Berlin will force me to dig deep and retrieve many of the old pieces of me that have been stored away for many years and it will also force me to add new pieces to my ever growing collection.
I will have to wear different clothes (otherwise I will freeze to death)
I will have to do different things with my little one (from 2 acres to 90 square meters... hmmm)
I will have to speak a different language, eat different food, hear different sounds.....

I can be who ever I choose to be....
Hestia
Aphrodite
Demeter
Athena

I am hoping that being in a huge city, rather than a small country town will provide me with the space which will allow the continuous metamorphosis...the continual becoming of my self.
This is my desire, this is my pledge to my self.

I will keep you posted!

Random thoughts

Here I am sitting on my couch...My little one is having a very late arvo nap (4pm) and my thoughts have turned towards all the yesterdays that have passed.
Do you remember those days when we seemed to be soooo much younger, more free and more alive???
Was it that way or am I just creating a past of fun and passion that didn't actually exist?
I don't know... I was just strolling along the street with my little one and started feeling really nostalgic...or maybe I just realised how terribly stuck and controlled I feel.
I just don't feel like I have any fun anymore....I almost feel dead inside, moving through each day just managing the basics, isn't that sad??

My little one is my brightness, my light and joy....she makes me smile and giggle and she keeps my heart open, but she reminds me that there are gaps and spaces in my life.
She reminds me that I am not bringing creativity into my day to day living.
She reminds me that I am not pushing myself in any direction... that I don't even work up a sweat when we go for a walk.

I am feeling like I want to hear my feet pound down on the road and feel the wind rush into my face as I run as far and fast as I can everyday.
I am feeling like I want to splash red and purple and orange on my walls and draw rainbows and the curves of women's bodies.
I want to dance until I am totally out of breath.
Laugh until my belly aches.
Eat delicious food around the table for hours.
Walk under the full moon light.
Watch the sun set.
Cry over a good movie.
Make beautiful toys using luscious coloured wool and other sensuous fabrics.
Plant herbs and other edibles for me and my family to enjoy.
Tune into nature.
Meditate...pray....chant....sing.

How do I get to do these things???
Where do I begin???
Why have I stopped living life???
What am I afraid of??

On the move again

So the count down begins...I now have officially two weeks to pack my life into boxes and to say my good byes.

Yes, we are on the move again. This is not such a huge thing as we both like to roam this planet and are now pretty good at the whole moving thing, but this is the first time we will be doing it with the little one so I am experiencing a whole bunch of new feelings and sensations this time round..... I just can't name them because I have moved into my NUMB zone!!

This is the space I fall into when it all gets too much!
I switch off, feel nothing and don't do much....With such a short time left until we leave and with still so much to do, I am there, I am NUMB.

There is a lot happening in my world right now and there are choices to be made but when I am in this numb space, decision making is pretty difficult to say the least.

The biggest choice we have to make is where we are going to live...
City??
Country??
UK??
Germany??
Asia??

Too many choices maybe???
Normally my hubby and I are both pretty in tune and when things present themselves to us, we generally go with what feels right but this time, we are both not feeling much!
We have our tickets out of OZ and we are holidaying for the first few weeks, but then.....

Maybe we are supposed to experience this floating space...this stillness.
Maybe we are supposed to develop more trust.
Maybe we are supposed to stop trying to control, to figure out and to know.

Whatever the lesson is, the boxes are still sitting empty in the spare room...
The clothes still need to be sorted, winter clothes need to be bought, cleaning needs to be done...

Two weeks to go!!!!

I will keep you posted :)

Thankful anyway Thursdays

So it is Thursday again....

My little one is suffering so badly with her teeth.
She is cutting her back molars and having a very tough time of it.
She has gone from being a very placid and chilled out bub, to a very irritable, almost angry, whiny and sleepless child!

I get no more than an hour or so sleep at a time during the night.

She is constantly on the boob, and when I try and roll my aching body over she goes mad until I roll back and offer the boob again.

When I finally feel like she is settled, and I can roll onto my back and drift into sleep, my hubby starts snoring (every time) and keeps me awake.

BUT I am thankful anyway because this is a very real opportunity to develop my compassion and patience.

I am thankful anyway because I am seemingly strong enough to cope with very little sleep.

I am thankful anyway because during those long dark hours when I am awake, I can appreciate the stillness and the silence of the night, which I just love.

And I am thankful that my hubby is home for a change, even though he snores!